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Not the Worst Faux Pas
France: Why I always have to go back. Well, um, no other country will let me in.
The Biggest secret travel tip to Paris is, is....au secours* (surely you’ve learned that much French by now?) is.....
Best thing is to forget about going to Paris at all. You’ll soon get bored silly by the zillion chic shops, sidewalk cafés, ancient monuments with ancienter janitors.
I’ve just been to Paris for the weekend actually. Had a terrible time, was forced to party non-stop from Friday evening to Sunday lunchtime. You know the sort of thing. You stand around trying to keep the toppings on the bottoms (of the food I mean), catching errant olives before they fall into your Château d’Yquem whilst singing the Marseillaise. I dunno, maybe it would have been easier to use a glass.
And the natives! Sometimes they’re just passable. When I’d finished singing , a funky hunky mec* helped me down from the table. Ooh-la-la!* Was tempted to pull him under, but was supposed to be on my best behaviour, kind of weekend parole.
Saturday indulged in a little retail therapy after the croissants and paracetamol, as oddly enough there was no soccer to be had in the capital. The Ayatollah wittered on excessively as usual, but I eventually managed to escape and came away with a fetchin g little number from an exclusive boutique. It’s T-shirt-shaped, has discreet 4-inch lettering across the boob section: Guys have feelings too. But hey....who cares? Cute or what? Got permission to wear my Paris gear once back home, on the basis that absolutely personne* would get the message in Limousin.
Where was I?
Ah, yes. Skip Paris, mosey on down to Limousin, where the grass is green, the air pure, the cows brown from the tropical sun. And we have a wealth of visitor-friendly ancient monuments too. Buy them a drink, and they’ll engage you in friendly conversation tout de suite.
*au secours (help!)
*tout de suite (immediately)
*Ooh-la-la! (v. useful exclamation for a multitude of occasions, to be used with caution. N.B. Can be interpreted as come hither, you gorgeous specimen if accompanied by excessive fluttering of eyelids whilst leaning too far over one’s Martini when wearing neckline ending at knees)
Madeleine D’Ickson de Limousin