Diary from Limousin Part 22
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Monday
Gemini May 21 to June 20 Something isn’t quite right with you today. It’s possible that even you do not know why
5 a.m. Leap out of bed, do 100 sit-ups, shower, throw myself into chair of modern literature, start tapping final chapters of Fatal Throttling in Limoges (now definitive title).
Of course I didn’t do that. Actually: fell out of sack trying to escape horrid pinging clock, broke toenail on v. elderly lump of fluff on landing, threw cold water on face, asked person in bathroom mirror what right NY bully-novelist-mentor has upsetting my biological clock.
6 a.m. Have not written single word. Am sulking and/or on strike. Too many people expecting too much of one. Besides, cannot think of anything to write, inspiration account heavily overdrawn. Think will have another breakfast, listen to Phil Collins CD.
7 p.m. Am collared by melancholy Martine prior to gym torture. Complains she’s put on the 4 kilos she lost plus 2 more, even though following GL Diet faithfully. Am baffled, damned if I know what to say. Do not agree she may be permanently fat slob, advise her to use different weighing device. Assure her mine is pathological liar.
8 p.m. Persuaded Martine to have GL Diet After photos taken with other rapidly-reducing Gazelles. Must say effects of diet very noticeable now (obviously with exception of Martine, future maman of elephant sextuplets).
Have brought own refreshment doggie bag. Apple, banana, mini Mars. Replace lost kilos while listening to insurance debate.
“Mayor’s moaning about the extra cost…told him he can’t have his gâteau and eat it….”
“…must insure against heavy snow, hailstorms etc,” per Yveline, Gazelle weather representative. Have noticed she is inclined to be bit hysterical where elements concerned. Eventually agree minimum list of potential disasters, level of cover etc. Bernadette will arrange contract tomorrow.
Tuesday
Gemini May 21 to June 20 You’ll spend some time with an intelligent friend today, someone you can really learn from
5.45 Cats lounging nose to tail on windowsill, watching 2 hares size of aardvarks disputing WBA title on lawn. Well, might be lawn if one cut sward with mower instead of machete. Make coffee, eat 3 pots fat-free rhubarb yoghurt. Mars bars winking at one from shelf, ignore same. Get thee behind me Cholesterol-Satan.
6.15 Open precious best-seller file. Have multiple backups of same inhabiting handbag, kitchen, car, garden shed etc. Think have covered most potential insurance disasters, with poss. exception of nuclear attack. Still, if Limousin nuked, can always ask Famous NY Novelist to return emailed chapters.
Apolline decides Martin must be investigated further. Gets out Suspect No. 1 file.
Educated in Paris. Huh. Doctor father, lawyer mother, both rabid socialists. Huh. Privileged bourgeoisie. Martin plays in rock band The Dirty Socks. Well, that says it all doesn’t it? Clearly immature, screw loose somewhere. Thinks he can get away with murder down here in Limousin.
Noted womaniser, but no current girlfriend. Plays tennis, squash, golf. Aha. Plays latter in small village outside Limoges, world-famous for its annual flower show.
Grabs handbag, mobile phone, stupid partneress Melamine. We’re taking a trip to the country, pardner.
7 p.m. Capture historic moment on film as first shrubs placed in ground. Babette using cine camera, Ys Truly with digital job. Plantes Alors and Jardin des Rêves nurseries sharing mini-digger to make holes for plants, agricultural students as slave labour. Must say they have provided fine specimens, shrubs and trees good size, garden already looks half-mature. Teenage Zen garden super after first stage of planting. Apparently may even be finished by end of week if weather holds. “One is very clever,” Babette says, hugging me. Agree, not 100% sure which one she is referring to, but assume it’s me.
Wednesday
Gemini May 21 to June 20 Clouds are gathering on the horizon. Your chickens are not ready to hatch
Françoise phones. Mayor lucky recipient of threatening letter from local huntin’ shootin’ fishin’ association. Said cretins blathering re Show site being part of traditional killing fields. Snort into receiver.
“Yeah, I know chérie,” Françoise sighs. “I don’t like hunters either.”
“Huh. That lot couldn’t catch a cold. And what’s there to shoot? Worms, salamanders, toads, a few elderly rabbits….these people make me sick….should stick to their usual prey.”
“Other hunters, you mean?” Françoise laughs. Apparently they want an assurance from the mayor that their seigniorial rights will continue.
Snort. “Bollocks. Don’t they read the news? The Revolution happened 2 centuries ago, France got rid of its aristos. We only have Sheiks now.”
“Oui ,chérie,. But they want an answer within 8 days, or they’ll sue, stop the Show going ahead.”
Merde.
Thursday
Gemini May 21 to June 20 The energy of the full moon kicks in today. Tread carefully, storms loom
8 p.m. Go to Guillotine-All-Hunters meeting at Mairie, armed with Code Civil. Give Mayor good talking to, point out cannot have lunatic yokels roaming future public garden with lethal weapons, the law is on our side etc. Quote relevant sections of Code Civil, everyone impressed, even me.
“Tell them to take a running jump, Bernard. Anyway, it’ll take at least 10 years to come to court if they’re stupid enough to sue. Stand up for your constituents for once,” look him in the eye. “Do what they say, Bernard.” Know very well he is hunter himself, but do not care. Man has not needed to hunt for food since…well, whenever. At least since Intermarché and Carrefour opened.
Get Lost letter drafted, approved, signed reluctantly by Bernard.
Friday
Gemini May 21 to June 20 Don’t assume you know everything, Gemini. Others may be better-informed, oddly enough
5.15 Take handful of Wondertabs with pint of grapefruit juice. Eat half baguette, butter (merest smear), strawberry jam (regular, positively glowing with cane derivatives. Sugar not mentioned in banned substances list). Open Fatal Throttling in Limoges.doc. Am all fired up, but drink 2 mugs coffee just in case.
Apolline and Melamine meet new lady mayor of famous GL commune, golf course managers. All v. dynamic women. Apparently had terrible struggle to save village from total decline. Their formula now copied by communities all over world. Charming Irish woman seems to know Martin Martin best. Gives lucid, thumbnail sketch of said swine. Says he has strong grip, amazing stamina, bit rough in the rough though.
Really excellent witness.
But he’s improving, Molly Malone adds, charming man.
Hmm. Obviously no judge of character.
Doesn’t make him our strangler, boss. Ap. shoots withering glance at brain-dead Melamine.
7.30 Beautiful evening, take walk with Bernie and John. Insurance documents signed, sealed, delivered. Bump into neighbour, the irritating local weather guru. Don’t really believe she can smell huge hailstones, think dear old wrinkly now a bit gaga.
“It’s true. Hail is forecast, then it’s due to get hot,” Bernie says, watching the college slaves planting more azaleas in the Zen garden. “Did you see the damage in Bergerac? All those vineyards destroyed?”
Hmm. Local hysteria spreading beyond sensible boundaries. “Too much cheap wine about. Probably God doing a bit of thinning.” Chew my lip. It won’t happen here. Will it? Eh, God?
Saturday
Gemini May 21 to June 20 Venus opposes Pluto today. It marks the beginning of an intensely worrying period. Colleagues will look to you for solutions
4.30 Have hardly slept wink. Violent thunderstorms all night, God and mates having techno party. Sodden moggies blown in by icy blast. Shut window quickly. Cats drip, look accusing. Walk over counters to fridge, look expectant. Go back to bed, cannot face Whiskas at this hour on Saturday.
7.30 Garden full of discarded ice cubes. Round cubes actually. (Just don’t say anything Ed, please.)
8.30 Françoise on phone. Hunters have decided to sue. Emergency court hearing next Wednesday. Oh merde.
9.30 Bernadette at front door. “Um…I think we’re needed down at the lake….there’s been a bit of damage.”
Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject. Is like a bad mud and thunder screenplay. Septic tank holes now giant muddy ice buckets. Thunder still rumbling in the distance as if confessing.
Stand between Françoise and Bernadette looking at flattened shrubs, young trees snapped like twigs.
“What now?” Yveline asks, wiping an eye.
“We start again. What else can we do?”
“Disasters come in threes, like deaths,” Grizzelle intones hopefully.
Grrr. Believe one day may commit grannycide.
Join Monsieur Rose of Plantes Alors in the ex-Zen garden.
“Most of these plants will recover in time. The rest we’ll have to replace.” Glad someone’s taking over the optimism department. Agree to come down to the nursery later, discuss new planting plan. “We’ll need volunteers, the mini-digger’s been damaged.”
2 p.m. Amazed by turnout. Nicolas has rounded up a posse of young farmers. Other peasants armed with spades, barrows etc. The village shopkeeper has set up a branch in the car park, is dispensing beers and snacks from a van.
Join Mr Rose and Bernadette. The storm will make a dent in our budget, but Bernie confident we’ll get some back from the insurers. Am angry nonetheless. Have slight rant and rave re underfunding, official inertia, ungodly weather games, Grizzelle casting spells.
“Cheer up, worse things happen at sea,” J. says. Thank ancient mariner for words of wisdom.
6 p.m Am exhausted watching others work. Fallen branches removed, holes dug, almost all plants replaced. Sit on porch of Chestnut Lodge with Françoise, sharing forbidden beery substance. Feel better now, buoyed by cheerful colleagues, 4% alcohol etc.
6.05 Wander over to growing crowd round last hole. Squeeze my way to front. Peer in. In retrospect, was clearly a grave mistake.
Sunday
Gemini May 21 to June 20 Yesterday’s events have left you feeling insecure, uncertain about projects. Don’t dwell on it, indulge your creative side
11 a.m. Do not usually need smelling malts before evening, but am still distinctly wobbly after encounter with Great Limousin Corpse.
V. excited spouse has sped off to site with fellow ghoul Bernadette. Allegedly to pump archaeologists, palaeontologists and other ologists for info re v. ancient, v. inconvenient body cluttering up v. valuable, v. jinxed botanic gardens.
1 p.m. “They’ve named her Rita,” spousal corpse-spotter mumbles through macaroni. “She’s at least 4 million years old…“
Gawd. They’ve uncovered Grizzelle’s mother.
“…and the prefecture has called a halt to all further garden work until the body’s removed…”
“What? What on earth for? Can’t they just stick it in the cemetery?”
Get haughty lecture re respect for dead. ”One is not an it, even when one has kicked the bucket. Anyway, they’ve called in a pathologist. There are ligature marks around the neck.”
Hmm. Now that’s very interesting, have brilliant idea.
Get out laptop. Open bestsmeller. Rename Fatal Throttling In Limoges.doc.
One is now author of Fatal Throttling Near Limoges.
Bonne semaine